I'm sorry you've suffered the same but I hope you're in a better situation now and able to heal and move on with your life. Only you can know that. Whether it's intentional or subconscious, "a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered," he says. If hes still with her, hes likely too far gone to realize how his actions, or lack thereof, affected you. I'm mad that she was robbed of her golden years and NDad lived. Untangling each of our parents' roles in our developmentreally seeing both their positive and negative influencesis the first step we take toward healing. However, adults usually estrange themselves from their parents when they find their parents presence too painful. She would do anything to keep him happy and calm but he was still always anxiety fueled and angry. You put everyone and everything else before me. Required fields are marked *. I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. I could never forgive her for it. This is my experience but with my Nmom and step-dad. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. . She wants to keep you under her thumb as long as she possibly can. You are not my role models; I have built my own model of parenting. , but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. Didn't leave a lot of time for us. Denial, prioritising their friends above their daughter, amounts to the same thing, neglect. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. Letter to my mother who didnt protect me. Please don't beat yourself up for feelings that you didn't have a choice in forming - feelings of betrayal and endangerment are valid. Our rules include (but are not limited to): Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. I know it's unfair, which is why I want to redirect that. I thought she was angry with me. Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. Check out our Helpful Links for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! Are Zoomies a Sign of a Happy Dog or a Crazy Dog? Learn Some Helpful Tips And Tricks To Help You Get That Green Thumb. You made me take all the blame, the shame. Nobody was there, and I find it harder to trust people because of it. I'll work on it, for sure. If youre looking for more info about this topic, this blog is for you! No, the family name needed to be protected. Staying Single: What Most People Do If They Divorce After 50. She absolutely saw the emotional damage, and she didnt lift a finger in protest. I guess its her choice tho. Even now, as an adult married, three girls of my own, a teacher I struggle to find the right words. Sometimes she would try to calm him down but most of the time she didn't do anything. Whatever you do with those feelings is up to you, but they're there and you aren't in the wrong for having them. She has a new boyfriend who treats her well and we get to live with them. I am still the source of all their disappointments, large and small, and that is part of their bond. Whether you work on your personal growth by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. Get My 5 Step Roadmap So That The Narcissist In Your Life Can No Longer Use Them. It brings me to tears thinking about her wasting the rest of her years on such a horrible person. My lifestyle isnt as good as my sisters, who apparently has it all. I am trying hard to establish those boundaries with the toxic people from my past and present! You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and being financially responsible for the house. However, I dont understand a number of neglectful decisions she made, including leaving one or all of us in the care of unknown adults or, worse, adults who were suspected of abusive behaviour, for overnight stays. I closed the door on my mother last March. . The mother did not have much remorse, empathy and was quick to generate excuses in order to protect her image. Be nice. We must, to survive. As for me, I will make sure I listen to everything my daughters say to me. She was scared that she got caught because she didnt want to ruin her image and look bad. This has caused a huge rift with my older sister who sees my mother as a harpy who focuses on our fathers faults, has always berated him for not being a good enough provider or anything else, and is cruel to her and to me. I can't even begin to imagine what you all have gone through, I'm sorry. Or she will invoke a conversation about how she was a good mother, then she brings up a traumatic incident that she insists wasnt her fault. She stuck with him until I was ready move out, then came down with Alzheimer's in her late 50's. Your thoughts?. But its not the way I want her to love me, and its not the way I love my own children. Then you can explore your feelings for your father and mother so that you can cultivate the compassion youll need to forgive them. Also Ellen DeGeneres recently talked about how she wished her mom had protected her instead of not believing she was being sexually abused and staying with the abuser. And I never shared anything with her after that, not even the worse incidents of physical abuse that happened many times after that. My career hasnt progressed in the way you wanted it to. Please review our rules before interacting again. Love to Garden? You have never stood up for me. She isnt alone, of course; I often hear from daughters whose fathers either stood by or retreated to the safety of a den or workshop, or hid behind a newspaper, or, even worse, encouraged their children to be accepting and understanding of their mothers. The Fora platform includes forum software by XenForo. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. The damage done is too much and she refuses to hold herself accountable and change as she can not empathize. It's strangely comforting to know that somebody else understands, but at the same time it sucks that you've also gone through this. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. When I told her about my dads staring she dismissed me and didnt believe me because dad wouldnt do that. But then one time she caught him and asked him what he was staring at. I would love for you to listen to Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes warming the stone child which is about women like us. Not really because it was triggering, ughh, maybe it was. Then it happened, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt explain, something I knew wasnt right. I will not pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me like nothing happened. I should not have left you with people who hurt you and did things to you that nobody should have done to you. Their codependence was a survival mechanism, but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. But I am scared for what happened to the little girl I was who wasnt able to protect herself. I am glad he suffered in his final days. She's still one of the best figures in my life and I think we can figure out a way through this. Trauma bond. You can be grateful that she found the courage to get you out of that situation while also resenting her for every day she let him abuse you. I should have been protected by my mother when someone tried to abuse me for the first time, but she chose to ignore it! My mother is a narcissist, and thats why I created this blog to help myself and other people heal from narcissistic abuse! Doing even the slightest things were a major event for him, so he couldn't be bothered being a dad most of the time. if you still have contact with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them. Enablers become that way for a host of different reasons but usually its out of a misguided sense of caretaking, also known as codependency. I agree in that I dearly love my mother and have a good relationship with me, although the hurt and resentment is still there. When she called me evil and bad, she didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. There is no guarantee shed be able to say what you need to hear, or stop wanting that good mother label. I havent been feeling good about saying no to her, I have felt guilty and mostly sad. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding. I felt like I was reading my own story, except I think I'm quite a bit farther along than you. I dont get it, maybe she doesnt want to be alone. Engages in horrific boundary-breaking. I wish you great strength in your boundary setting. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. F narcissistic parents. I remember that she was angry. I am sorry that I caused so much pain. And then how it would be for you if she never again mentioned it, unless you brought up the subject? Perhaps the hardest task of all is for an unloved daughter to set healthy boundaries with her mother. But what I'm really mad about is that she didn't do what was needed to protect us from him. I know I said this, but I truly, honestly relate to your description of your mother. Tim, now 71 and the father of two adult children and a grandfather, reflected on the evolution of his thinking about his mother, who neither contradicted nor foiled her controlling and emotionally abusive husband. I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. 0 4. Anxiety consumed her. Imagine the shame on the family. For more information, please see our You cant trust people with no empathy because they have no conscience. I just hope I didn't sound like I was blaming my mom for everything or that I don't understand what she went through and why she did what she did. Speaking up to parents, holding them accountable, saying anything other than, Thank you is another strong break from the norms. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. I have stopped looking for it from her. My mother made meatloaf and said, in a singsong, how happy she was "now that everyone's getting along." The damage she did with a soft voice has lasted far longer than even the most white-faded. She is the author or coauthor of 15 books, including Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. My dad was not physically abusive either but he was always angry, short-tempered, childish, and emotionally abusive. She didn't get a chance to retire or rest. . It can take real work and effort and is usually best accomplished with the help of a gifted therapist. The narcissists flying monkeys are often family members, sometimes even children, who do the same thing. One of my favorite movies NATURAL BORN KILLERS is how I feel. I am sorry I could not do better. Anecdotally, at least, theres much more denial involved when its the mother who is cold, uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative. I'm glad this doesn't make me a bad person and that other people understand the situation. VerticalScope Inc., 111 Peter Street, Suite 600, Toronto, Ontario, M5V 2H1, Canada. Have you talked to your mom about how you feel? I'm really grateful for the relationship I have with her, and she's one of my best friends. I dont want to talk about the weather or my cousins wedding. It feels like drastic action, but Im completely out of ideas after years of failed attempts to maintain family harmony. *We may earn a commission for purchases made using our links. Ah, the joys of being raised by narcissists. It is an audiobook and I can send it to you via email if you are interested. I understand my mom and yes, also have compassion for her. Feels like youve taken big steps forward to saying enough is enough! My mother, who didn't protect me from abuse The letter you always wanted to write Sat 11 Jun 2016 01.29 EDT Last modified on Tue 20 Sep 2016 05.38 EDT O ur first five years together were great.. She took an action before something unfortunate happened, and before it was too late to teach a lesson to an abuser. That was the family story, and they have never deviated from it, not in 50 years. My father is a control freak and a bully, but she considers him strong. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. If you award her that good mother label what happens to your experience? She should have done better. When children are raised in an abusive household, who are the children (victims) most angry at when they grow up? New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Thank you for your comment though, it is appreciated. 15/03/2015 14:04. She loved to see me in pain and would laugh and smile. What Happens If You Don T Sterilize Baby Bottles. But now I do hold her accountable for not taking my side, or making any effort to protect any of her children in any way; she wasnt voiceless by nature, but she chose to be. Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. But she acted like we were a normal, happy family. "I wish I had known the importance of educating my children about sexual abuse," the young mom shared in tears. I'm happy for her, but I've recently realized that I have a lot of buried bitterness and hurt towards her, which feels unfair. It helped me and I have sent it to a few bloggers who are grappling with this very complex issue. I know all about it, and I can help you understand too. So in a narcissistic family system, the father throws his own children to the wolves, so to speak, to be on good terms with his wife. In a weird way, I am angrier with her at the moment for doing nothing than I am with him for doing something. Im not really sure what that even means but you might know for yourself. I remember that she didnt look at my face as she applied a cream to the area. Your IP: Your narcissistic mother actually encouraged trauma bonding by alternating her own patterns of abuse and special treatment. Even so, in recent years Mum has made a habit of raising the issue of my assaults unprompted, to explain that she wasnt a bad parent. I look at my family today and I know that if I did half, hell even a tenth of what NDad did, my wife would leave me and take the kids with her to protect them without even a second thought. The next thing to do is to respect your own needs and prioritize them. Facebook image: Yuliya Evstratenko/Shutterstock. Fuck us kids, right? That was the emotional crucible for Jenna, now 60: I think my dad loved me in a way, but he also left me utterly confused about loyalty and trust. Mass Shooters and the Myth That Evil Is Obvious, Transforming Empathy Into Compassion: Why It Matters, The Best Reasons to Commit to a Relationship, Verbal Abusers and the Fine Art of the Blame-Shift. Recovering from the narcissistic abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother also means coming to terms with your enabling fathers inaction. And then of course there are the days I ask myself, what is wrong with me that she isnt more interested in my feelings? I think I am learning not to spend as much time on that question though. You can address why you were unable to defend yourself as a child (likely because you didn't understand what was happening) and that it was your parents' responsibility to intervene and. When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission, which supports our community. That is a question I received a few weeks ago from a reader who had believed that her issue was with her father until she began to read my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. I relate to so very much of this! You've been given a temporary ban. Ah, sorry. In Black & White Coping with Family while Healing from Abuse or Assault, Where The Eagles Fly . It was only when I got into therapy that I started realizing my mothers role wasnt really passive. This is what Greta shared: I totally see my mother as the victim, and while Im unhappy with how she treats me, I honestly feel she cant help it because my father is super-controlling. Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? Your feelings are natural under these sad circumstances, OP. Pixabay, If You Need to Pull an All-Nighter, This Should Be Your Diet, Mass Shootings Are a Symptom, Not the Root Problem. Dont try to minimize the trauma of a child. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. She thinks making Mom a victim is sick stuff on my part. You're right that she was surely just trying to protect us. You had let me down. My dad did not want me so he treated me terribly, my mom loves me with all her heart but she would always choose him over me in a fight, I think because she knew he could do a lot more damage than me but it still really hurt. You are pretending like it didnt happen, like I wasnt hurt in the worst possible way. I know she was doing her best but it's hard because the reason I couldn't accept everything was because she always pretended that it was okay. And it gave a dent on my mind. As psychologist Jay Reid notes, Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. Fast-forward to present day. . I saw a man who wasn't there . Our household was run by emotionally crippled children. Within the span of a few weeks . I resent her avoidance of issues when I have tried to bring them up as an adult. They attempt to use their subtlety to make you bear the brunt of their feelings. You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. 28.9K Likes, 156 Comments. Cookie Notice I guess I always thought that if things really weren't right, she would do something about it. A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Share . I wish he would go away, Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? Would it be like denying what your experience has been? Its women like you, warrior women that I want to surround myself with as I move away from all the darkness. 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'S in her late 50 's we were a normal, happy family narcissistic mothers emotional abuse love! Recovering from the norms good mother label stone child which is about women like you, warrior that... Her about my dads staring she dismissed me and I think we can figure out a through. Along than you your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might her. Take toward healing, holding them accountable, saying anything other than, Thank you for father. Am angrier with her, I want to be spent on placating him and. Learn Some Helpful Tips and Tricks to help myself and other people heal from narcissistic!. The job of being raised by narcissists is an audiobook and I think I am with him I!