Peppo:Oh, we didn't mean-a to,to rough a-you, squeaky! Complete with incredible thrills Sargent: Alright, men. And I always throw in that. Duchess: [ Singing ]If you wantto turn me onPlay your hornDon't spare the toneAnd blow a little soulinto the tune, O'Malley: [ Singing ]Let's take itto another key, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Modulateand wait for meI'll take a few ad-libsand pretty soon, O'Malley: [ offscreen; singing ]The other cats will all commenceCongregatin'on the fenceBeneath the alley'sonly light, Duchess: [ Singing ]Where every note isOut of sight. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. Both of you, go ahead. O'Malley: "Swingers." Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Which pets are proneto hardly any flaws? It begins, traditionally, with a family that auditions for a talent agency. He's got nine lives. They shriek high-pitched until we fade to the crowd tossing confetti at Quasimodo]. The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. It looks like a serated sea snake. Let's hurry. Web. Hold on! "The Hunchback of Notre Dame". WebThe Aristocrats" is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era. Don't get sore at me! It's warmand, mm-mm, cozy. August 12, 2005 And that was my vacation. Where's my hat? And those eyes of yours. All aboard for Paris! Hugo, Victor and Laverne: [singing] A guy like you! Are you all right? Duchess:Oh! He could be a longshoreman. But where? [offscreen]I've learned to live with 'em. Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. I'mRoquefort by the way, I need your help,Duchess! Oh! You knowthe kids are bushed. [offscreen]Duchess and the kittensare in trouble! This is reallynot lady like. Duchess: Another flight intothe fantasy, Monsieur O'Malley? [offscreen]Swing on down here, Daddy. Now, now, my darlings. WebUntil gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Abigail: You really did quite wellfor a beginner. And he's like, "It's not a f***in' prop act, is it?". Oh, sorry, my dear. So if you would be just so kind. [offscreen]Any womanwould like it. She'd always say that we'rethe greatest treasure she could own. Duchess: Now, now, darlings. There's incest. Edgar Balthazar: Alright: The coast is clear. Marie: Ladies do not start fights, Buster, but they can finish them. But we've got to hurry. Duchess[offscreen]Well--Yes, my love,but you must be very quiet or I'll send you to bed. [Snarling,Hissing]. Ooh! Buzz Lightyear: [Fires his laser, but it only flashes at the mutant toys] I've set my laser from "stun" to "murder". Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats" [long pause] and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews? Quick, kittens! Swimming, some of the way. I lie on a chaise lounge, naked, reading sonnets from Shakespeare, and my third sister, she makes a painting very similar to Decroix's 'The Girl'." Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Where--And somebody stolemy bumber shoot! [ Stammering ]D-D-Don't rush me. Would you agree with that? I'll be spitting feathers for a week. The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the Naturellement! I'm the leader! [Offscreen]Good riddance. [Huffing]. Lafayette:How come you always grabthe tender part for yourself, man? Now that leavesMr. O'Malley. [Grunting]. Web Aristocrats couldnt be done now, Saget reflected in 2018, adding that when he did the performance he had only heard the joke twice. Edgar Balthazar: Must be round here somewhere. They get the- towait. O'Malley: Now look, kids. So dysfunctional, it defies description. Andy Richter: Then I move my wiener back and forth, until stuff shoots out. Toulouse: Females never fiight fair. In the South Park version, Cartman tells the other boys the joke his grandfather told him while at the school bus stop. Duchess:[ Sighing ]I don't know what to say. Duchess:Oh, darling, if,if only I could. Because with usshe never felt alone. Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head-first back into the mother's vagina, while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them. Aristocrats Joke Text. O'Malley: Are you sure we'reon the right street where you live? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]Yes, Georges. Roquefort:It's notreally hard, Berlioz. Duchess: You know something,Thomas, your friends arereally delightful. Marie: It's creme de la cremea la Edgar. Marie: Goody. It was a little oldcricket bug. It received publicity when it was used by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner in September 2001. https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_144090, https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_quotes_144090. Napoleon: Wha-Wha--What's goin' on? Then he rips off her underwear and he takes some of her pubes with it. Absolutely. That'spretty corny, though, huh? Then we see a picture of Walt Disney]. But it's really nice to have introductions. "The Aristocrats Quotes." Marie: Mama,l guess I had a nightmareand fell out of bed. O'Malley: "Basted"? Kittens! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:That's exactlywhat they are, Georges. Frou-Frou pulls on a rope and the hook lifts Edgar up into the air. And, uh, let's see. Web295K views, 1.9K likes, 423 loves, 1.2K comments, 1.4K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Brandon Rogers: THE ARISTOCRATS JOKE The [Hissing]. Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. O'Malley: Duchess, If I can live with you, will you marry me? You just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas O'Malley. Napoleon: Mm-mm. Hey, hold up there. Now I'll never get my hat Plan B. Napoleon: Ooh, whoo, heh. Oh! Gilbert Gottfried Aristocrats joke (2) VindictivePotato. You justdon't understand. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, another ringer, sir. [offscreen]You believe me,don't you? Uncle Waldo: Dreadful! I've got to getthose things back tonight. Gilbert Gottfried: He could have an arm like Popeye, Carrot Top: So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act!" For other uses, see, "Dirty Jokes, Tasteless, Jokes, Ethnic Jokes", "Diving Deep Into the Dirtiest Joke Ever in 'The Aristocrats', "After a 9/11 Joke Bombed, Gilbert Gottfried Told the Dirtiest Joke in Comedy", https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=The_Aristocrats&oldid=1135068379, Short description is different from Wikidata, Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License 3.0, This page was last edited on 22 January 2023, at 12:47. It's just beyondthat next chimney pot. This is not a joke, this would go on TV. Andy's birthday festival's been movedto today. Say "cheese. Le Petit Caf Chef: Sacrebleu! Adelaide, madame, you mean to sayyou're leavingyour vast fortune to Edgar? Huh. Toulouse: Hey, guys. Don't mindif I do. WebThe Aristocats! Berlioz: Look, guys! Brian Cummings: It's loads of fun, there's jamming and playing with lots of new friends. He eats stuff off her face. And certainly no one can do this betterthan my faithful servant, Edgar. [Chuckling] Now this calls for another cracker. O'Malley: [Chuckles]Now that's quite a family. What a classyneighborhood. You know, when Pat Boone starts talking about fistfucking a dog, he really put feeling into it, he says. Come here, my darlings. An inside look at the long-standing, transgressive joke amongst comedians called The Aristocrats. My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80! It probes the darkest, sickest places of the comedian. [7] It was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette. He's nothing but a cad. The alley cats attack Edgar], [Roquefort spins the lock and it opens. I just want to say now if any of you people who are watching this: if you're having sex with your family I don't condone it. Carole Jeghers: There's never been a better time to make the dream come true. Duchess:No, no, no, I like it. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. Duchess:[offscreen]His name is O'Malley. Lafayette: [Chuckling nervously] Ow! O'Malley: Well, now, uh--What I meant-- You see, l--. Let's play train. Hugo: [Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth] Man! Duchess: Oh, I'm delightedto meet you, Monsieur Scat Cat. 0:55. Roquefort:B-But honest, guys! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: There now, Duchess. Scat Cat: [to the others]I don't dig him. Hugo: Pour the wine and (farts with his armpit 3 times) cut the cheese! Gilbert Gottfried - Aristocrats Joke. I havea cracker with me. Hey, now the squeakin'has stopped. O'Malley:But-- But your owner is--Well, she's justanother human. [Squeaking][Clattering] Oh! They're gone! O'Malley: No, no, no, baby. They're too cutesy." We know if you would let us perform it for you you would want to sign us." Pat Cooper: My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! [Laughing]. Edgar Balthazar: [ Shoes Squeaking ]Frou-Frou, tonight "Operation Catnapper"will be completed. The joke ends with the agent asking what the bizarre act is called, and the family replies the aristocrats. Berlioz: Hey, do you really havea magic carpet, Monsieur O'Malleysir? Duchess:No, not at all. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Scat Cat: That's it, cats, come on let's do this for more! O'Malley: I'm all right,Duchess,honey. [Tearing]Oh drat! [Grunting]Lafayette! One joke prevails over all others, however: The Aristocrats, a joke comedians keep back to tell each other (or themselves, as a warm-up act). The Muppets are hitting the high seas Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video presents from Jim Henson Productions Mark Elliott: And the rowdiest crew ever. Frollo: [Turns Quasimodo to him] You don't know what it's like out there. [Then we see the torn and tattered Quasimodo close the cathedral doors, transitioning to the Feast of Fools]. Andy Richter: The brother comes out. Oh, are you all right? Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Wait for me! Amelia: And by the way, when we get to Paris,you must meet Uncle Waldo. Georges Hautecourt:Very well. It's "Roquefort". Wendy Liebman: The Cocksucking Motherf***ers. Toulouse,Marie, where are you? What's all the yellin'about, huh? Amelia: Yes, that's a question. You see, my mistress, shewill beso worried about us. Andy Dick: I come out, dressed as Hitler in crotchless panties. Duchess: Marie! 4:39. Frou-Frou: [ Chuckles ]You're quite welcome, young man. Duchess: Yes. Abigail: Oh, dear! Get her! [Backfiiring Continues][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Engine Backfiring]. Berlioz: It isn't Beethoven, Mama,but it sure bounces. Lafayette: Mmm. Napoleon:Wait a minute. Billy Boss: Ha-ha! Maybe it would come out right now as an In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. [ Laughing ]. O'Malley: [Gasping]Alrighty, whatever. Bonsoir! All Rights reserved. Evening, Edgar. Lafayette: Oh, cricket bugsdon't wear shoes, man. And your music is so--so different,so exciting. The entire joke was a lampoon of the wealthy elite. Which I know is kind of an understatement, because youre saying, If you have any sense of human decency, just say, Why didnt the talent agent just stop them in the beginning? Like he wants to know, like the name's the important thing! That seems to make the whole joke. That's 'causeI practice all the time. Come on. Mark Elliott: He lived a solitary life behind stone walls. Hello, kittens. When they're seenupon an airing. Let's see. I wouldlike to see your pad,and meet your friend Scat Cat. Who do you want me to sue, eh? Mark Elliott: On sale now, you can eventually own the Academy-Award winning box office hit, the most spoke-about movie of the year, the one video the entire world has been waiting for. She loves us very much. Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. [6] It came to wider public attention when it was told by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: You're a shamelessflatterer, Georges. That is not kind of you. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. Let's be nice to our new friends. Frogs: [singing] Ribbit, croak, needeep, croak, ribbit. Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. And so, you see,we can't leave her alone. He told me justto mention his name. That's good. All of a sudden the kid can't take it, diarrhea starts shooting out of his ass. Mark Elliott: And everyone's favorite characters. [to Roquefort] Strike one. Fisherman's luck. Marie: Oh noI wouldn'ttake up much room. Esmeralda: Well, you're not hurt, are you? Whew! O'Malley: [Singing]I only got myselfand this big old worldBut I sipthat cup of lifeWith my fingers curledI don't worrywhat road to takeI don't have tothink of that Whatever I takeis the road I makeIt's the road of lifemake no mistakeFor me! Duchess: Now that will do, honey. Gottfried claimed he was unable to get a direct flight, because "they had to make a stop at the Empire State Building." [1] Gottfried quickly launched into the infamous I can't wait. [Humming"Rock-A-Bye-Baby"]. Edgar throws the pitchfork at him, hitting him against the wall. Poor Madame. Oh, l, I mean,even little Marie. We give the first few rows garbage bags. Berlioz: I'll bet it's morethan a thousand. Edgar, come quickly! Amelia: Now, ah, listen to our idea, you stand here, dear. We're gonnafly after all! Woody: This is the perfect time to panic! because in a joke that's what happens. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: So good to see you, Georges. [We cut to the thieves pointing their swords around Aladdin, Abu and Iago to the beat of the music] Taking whatever we please! Why, you'll, you'll wake upthe whole neighborhood! A family walks in to a talent agency. [Humming TuneFrom Carmen]. Chorus: [sings] Winnie the Pooh. Thief #1: [sings] Have lots of grubs to share! WhyEdgar? [ Grunting ] Okay, Laffy, you're right, it's the end. After the performance, the talent agent asks them just what the hell their act was supposed to be, to which they respond, "The Aristocrats!" Birds of a feathermust [ Hic ] together. Darlings,now you just stay here,and I'll go and I'lllook for Toulouse. Berlioz: Mama, do we have towaddle like they do? Toulouse: Is there anything we can do tohelp you,Mr. O'Malley, huh? Helpingbeautiful dame--uh, damsels in distressis my specialty. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. It doesn't matter if they're boys or girls they're gonna be used anyway Bob Saget: - as nothing more than a hole. I do believeyou've been drinking. Duchess: Oh! It's a mother, father, their son and daughter, and a little baby. He's our oldest anddearest friend, you know. You know, I mean, one of those--. [offscreen]His eyes are too close together. Lil' Rush WebThe aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Phoebus: She's very lucky to have a friend like you. Why, you won't believewhat they tried to doto your poor old Uncle Waldo! Come on, guys. Don't fuss over me. Marie: Oh! [offscreen] Now stop beatin'your gums and sound the attack! Amelia: It's scandalous. Hop aboard the motorcycle. a one-wheeled haystack. Something horrible's happening! O'Malley: Show you the way? Clickety. Coming soon to video! Clopin: Up there, high, high in the dark bell tower lives the mysterious bell ringer. Beau Weaver: From moviesto magical vacations. I've never seen you three here before. Georges Hautecourt: You haven't got an extra foot,have you, Edgar? Oh, dear! But he had a bed in it, like a couch that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know Joe Franklin raped me. Duchess: Thomas, Madamewill be so worried. He sneaked upbehind me and tailgated me. He rips off his wife's bra. [Screaming]Nice doggy! Ow! Madame isexpecting you, sir. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh! Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Of course, Frou-Frou,I almost forgot. The 100 Best Albums of 2022, But thats a whole other story, he deadpanned. Buzz Lightyear: [Presses the red circle button again and closes his wings] Thank you. Genie Chorus: [singing] They're eventually getting married at the festivalof Agrabaahhhh!!!! But I was so surethat I heard them. All: Everybody, everybody Everybody wantsto be a cat (2x), Frou Frou:Everybody (2x) Everybody wants to be a cat[ Giggling ], Uncle Waldo: EverybodyWhoopee! YeahAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catThat's rightAnd I'm very proud of that (Spoken)Yeah! Take that! O'Malley: [sighs] Duchess, there's something I need to ask you. Let's move, move, move! O'Malley needs help! The middle is improvised, with gross, incetuous and obscene sexual acts often the topic of choice. So they're all f***ing each other right. Abigail:We're not chickens. Berlioz [offscreen] I wish we were homewith Madame right now. Now, Marie's the caboose. Kittens! It's time to get rid of these cats all the way to Timbuktu once and for all. Scat Cat: Likewise, Duchess. Beau Weaver: And here's what's new from Disney Interactive. I've had all the help I can take. Amelia: Abigail, we were bornwith flat feet. Something smells awfully good. Mark Elliott: The woman who would open his eyes to adventures he never imagined. [Woody claps for Buzz] And for Sega Genesis and Super NES, "Toy Story: The Video Game". O'Malley: Duchess, this isthe greatest cat of'em all: Scat Cat. Now, just a few dunks. "Moe, Larry, the cheese!" O'Malley: Go away! Blow [offscreen] some of that sweet stuff my way. You know it was the night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember? Stupid cat! O'Malley jumps into the trunk]. There are descriptions of foreskin and Popeye-like forearms. And this time, ha,you'll never come back. The details of the joke change with every telling (and Amelia: Now listen to this, I am Amelia Gabble,and this is my sister--. Afraid,I guessyou know best,and I'm gonnamiss you, baby. And aristocatic flair in whatthey do and what they say. I'll saywhen it's the end. [Hiccupping]Look. Roquefort:H-How about--O' Grady? Robin Williams: It's a kindler, gentler genie! Georges Hautecourt: Am I going too fast for you, Edgar? Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. Roquefort: I've got to find him. Steady, girl. Marie: Come on, guys, lets all start meowing. It's like Curly in the Stooges. It's like a hemorrhaging sh*t-ass. You're justher house pets. Scat Cat:What's a little swinger like youdoin' on our side oftown? Ow! O'Malley: [Gasping] Help? Aladdin: [singing] I'm eventually getting married! Berlioz: I'm coming, Mama. Shun Gon: Oh, boy, fellas! Title of infamous joke without a punchline. I'll see ya down stream. Duchess:I'll never forget you,Thomas O'Malley. Cheer up. You don't know the way! Waldo's our uncle. I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. Alright? Georges Hautecourt: Will, eh? Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. He says, "Wow, that sounds good, what do you call this act?" Please? I've just gotto find them. Duchess: [Laughing]Why, monsieur,your name seems to coverall of Europe. Well. Isn't she, Duchess? Edgar Balthazar: Cats inherit first! Here I come! The cat cowers against the wall, shaking in fear. Berlioz: But he had a mouthlike a "hippolotamus.". Sir? The joke, called "The Aristocrats" after its punchline, was setup as a pitch meeting to a talent agent. A family walks in to a talent. O'Malley: Well, of course. Oh, my gracious! Uh, not exactlyyour type, Duchess. We just have togo home tomorrow. [ Grunting ]Go away! [Screen fades from black, revealing the Jim Henson Video logo]. Roquefort: Duchess, kittens, gone? Napoleon:[offscreen]Hush your mouth. You know, they make the morningradiant and light. I guess youcan't win 'em all. Please,you must stop that. Children, where are you? We chased four motorcarsand a bicycle and a scooter. Jasmine: [singing] We're eventually getting married! Mark Elliott: Discovering the magic [Esmeralda disappears in a cloud of smoke after blowing her nose] .within himself. And aristocatic flair in what they do and what they say. Why? The Aristocats! Marie:Mama! Release date Toulouse: Why didn't I answer? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now don't move. Go! We're on holiday. Mark Elliott: This summer, live the adventure. A family walks in to O'Malley:[offscreen]All right. Uhoh, yes. Edgar Balthazar:Coming, Madame! It was my favorite role. Merrill Markoe: They have sex in a kiddie pool full of beef entrails and aborted fetuses. I'm doin' fine! Woody: Alright. 1 of 3 The Artistocrats Show More Show Less 2 of 3 Co-creator Penn Jillette arrives at the premiere of the film "The Aristocrats", Tuesday, July 26, 2005, in New York. Quotes.net. And each cat has nine lives. O'Malley: Oh, thank you. Duchess? Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her a**hole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. Napoleon: Wait a minute! Lafayette: Oh, shucks, Napoleon. I remember that Ifainted. Berlioz: [sighs] It's really hard to pronounce your name, man. "Saranora," and allthose goodbye things, baby. I never would have guessed. Marie: I'll show youif I'm a lady or not. [Gasping][Laughing] It's only a tree. (outloud)Of course you can. WebThe Aristocrats (2005) "The joke leads me down one path" | and then it switches the path on me suddenly, and it hits me with a hammer. [onscreen]Tell him O'Malley sent youand you won't have a bit of trouble. They showaristocatic bearing. And what they do is they get on a pile of dead dungs and they f*** each other and then they have a big closing where they fist-f*** an autistic preteen. Another cracker could own uh -- what 's goin ' on, their son and daughter, the... Your music is so -- so different, so exciting ask you Disney ] [ Backfiiring Continues ] [ ]! Of those -- music is so -- so different, so exciting call this act?, damsels in my. 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